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I didn’t sleep last night not because I had many papers to mark but I had a very strange weekend with lots of mixed feelings. In some senses it was a good weekend. I met my friends, we all went somewhere else to join another friend which I hadn’t visited her for a long time. But I was confused, punchy and my feelings were mixed up. I couldn’t find myself and started acting like a five year old boy. I acted like that to hide something else. I don’t know how to put this. I was asking myself why I should follow the others rules? What if I want to do something else in my life? What if I don’t want to be like others? Maybe I want to do something else with my time and achieve something totally different to things that other people want. I suffer and suffer when I want to do something else and the others don’t understand me. It is very difficult for me to explain myself as those things are inside me. I think each individual has freedom to decide what to do with his life. Some of us may make decisions having dangerous consequences and at the end costing our life. So there is no one to blame at the end as each person is responsible for his own decisions including me. I have made few important decisions in my life which they are not normal! I am not going to share these with you as they are top secret and very personal. I am aware of my decisions consequences. I realised that no other person can understand me and start saying things that hurt me. Let me put it this way, imagine you have decided to not drive a car because you have had a very bad experience and you prefer to use public transport. You know that driving has few advantages in you life and make it easier but you want to do something else. You want to try another life style and you want to prove yourself that you can do your jobs without having a car. Then one day your friends notice that you don’t drive a car. They start insisting and insisting to you to drive a car. They want it for you as they want the best for you but they are not you. They haven’t been in your position and they can not understand what you have had in the past. They insist and insist again and reach to the point where you mixed up and start asking yourself “Maybe I should drive a car again?”. Then you step forward, you buy a car and drive it. At this point your friends will leave you alone as you did it what they were thing is the best for you so there is nothing else to talk about. Then you now have your time and start thinking what happened to my plans and decisions. Here, you should be very lucky if you don’t crash again in the middle of your thoughts.