Hope!

Two papers ready to publish on my desk, few positions on the web ready to apply for and plenty of time but I am sitting on my black sofa doing nothing. I need time to recover. Recovery from what? From something which I knew it! From something that I predicted according to all facts that I knew! Then what’s wrong with me? I feel cold just like black coal. I had a wonderful weekend with my friends and I knew what I will be told today morning but everything changed when I heard that news. I am not going to share the news with you and I am sorry for that but I think there is something that I am missing here. A very very dear friend told me that I am negative! I don’t know. Believe me or not I had a great hope although I had predicted the result. I knew it but I did not want to accept it. I predicted but I didn’t prepare myself for it. Now I have to accept it because it happened, I was informed officially and nothing on the earth can change it. Do I know myself? Or there is something else? We know something but we don’t want to accept it? We feel a pain but we ignore it? Things passing on back of my mind so fast in few seconds, trying to analyse the situation. Then asking my self what’s the point of hoping when we know something? Or we shouldn’t hope to something when we already know the results! Is there something else? Or its our nature? Business rules say don’t bet on loosing horse. Then why we bet, cross our finger and hope that something change it? There should be something. A gravity or energy that drives us to try harder and hope to changes. I know I will be fine and this is not the end of the world but! Why we are hoping? We feel something, we know something and then we hope we get something else out of it! I wonder if I know myself enough! How is that possible to feel so heavy when I already knew it? This is the closest thing to craziness that ever happened to me. I wish I could answer it. Is it because I don’t like loosing? I have learned that more mistakes I make better I get. I learned a lot from this experience regardless of its result. It told me that I have a great potential and good skills and its only lack of experience which stops me from getting it. But still I can’t get over it. The hope bubble has exploded although I knew it would happen. I wasn’t ready for that explosion or I didn’t want to accept it regardless of all those known facts. There is something else and I am going to find it out.